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Festive Football News Report

Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean the football news isn’t still flowing in. Here’s your festive football report.

  • Upon hearing the news of bullying between Santa’s reindeer, FIFA president Gianni Infantino came out with the statement “Today I feel red nosed” before proceeding to do nothing about the problem,
  • There were confusing scenes as major European leagues took a break from football to have a World War. From the English Premier League and French Ligue 1, to the German Bundesliga and Italian Serie A football rivalries were put to one side for the Holidays to allow for a full scale conflict on the continent. Inexplicably former Real Madrid defender Pepe has not yet been spotted using the opportunity to actually full-on murder somebody..
  • This Christmas has seen the first instances of VAR being used for Christmas Crackers, to mixed results. Controversially it has been ruled that if you aren’t wearing the little paper hat within one minute of your victory it does not stand. Technology will also be used to try stop your aul lad from hoarding the jokes and pretending he came up with them later in the year.
  • At a press conference this morning the Republic of Ireland men’s team manager joked “I hope our lads can deliver as well as Santa next year” while crying. Kenny’s side recently achieved a Christmas miracle of keeping a clean sheet away to Malta in a friendly, and only almost lost to Armenia twice in a year. “We play good football ya know but maybe we could do with giving the other’s a stuffing in the qualifiers” laughed Kenny before staring blankly into the abyss.
  • Football fans have been asked to spare a thought for neglected Fantasy Football teams this festive season. Many Fantasy Football teams are adopted in August each year and then abandoned. The official fantasy premier league site have come out with the slogan ‘Not just until November, but until May‘.
  • A report on the 12 Days of Christmas song has described sending multiple birds to the same person in one year as ‘Diego Simeone levels of shithousery’.
  • Footballing governing bodies around the world have agreed it’s time for the FA to tell English fans that when it comes to the men’s game, football coming home is not real, and it’s just a nice story they tell English people every major tournament. A spokesperson said “while there is still magic in football, and there are lovely things to enjoy about major international tournaments from a women’s football perspective, football is not really coming home in the men’s game because no matter how well things are going someone will always miss a penalty”.

Wherever you are and whatever you celebrate we hope you have a Merry time and enjoy the festive football.


Pogba to release own cinematic Pogverse to explain what in the name of jaysus is going on

Following up on the highly successful Pogmentary where Pogba Pognounced he was Pogmoving to PogJuventus, Paul Pogba is set to expand the series into a cinematic universe where he delves into what in the name of holy shite jaysus almighty is going on between him, his brother, and Mbappe. The first phase of films is expected to be released soon with:

  • Born Turin
  • In2Deep: Playing As a Holding Midfielder
  • An untitled spin-off where Kanté and Matuidi carry Pogba’s bags
  • Disdain: Rise of Graeme Souness
  • Inconsister Act: The Musical
  • Pogba Origins: Pogba Emoji
  • An untitled production in the vein of 12 Angry Men where players debate if Ole Gunnar Solskjær should have to get his coaching badges to be appointed permanent Manchester United manager
  • An untitled buddy comedy where Paul Pogba and Gareth Bale play two superstars who don’t want to play for and aren’t wanted at their clubs. When they first meet they don’t get a long but then they learn they are not so different.
  • A potential streaming series following the wacky exploits of Pogba’s hairdressers.
  • Civil War: Pogba Brothers
  • A slapstick body-switching comedy where Pogba and Mbappe inadvertently rub a witch-doctor the wrong way leading to them having their bodies switched. The two take a road trip to try and find a cure, but what they actually find is you can’t run away from growing up. Tentatively titled WitchDoctor Which Doctor?

Critics expect the films performance at the box office to be very good on occasion but for the most part frustrating.