It’s been announced that the restrictions in place due to COVID-19 are to be lifted, but how will this impact on Irish football? Here’s the sexy version of the NPHET in relation to Irish football.

• NPHET has advised that every football journalist in the country should write a think piece called ‘Saipan 20 years on, who was right’ this year.
• NPHET has advised Ireland should aim to field a team of Gary Breens once a season.
• NPHET has advised that lads who only watch the English Premier League and haven’t seen half the Ireland men’s squad play can take a day off from hot takes on Twitter.
• NPHET has advised every Irish holding midfielder to go full Roy Keane on Marc Overmars within the first 3 minutes of a match to let one of the opponents star players ‘know they are there’.
• NPHET has advised that Stephanie Roche be awarded the 2014 Puskas award and James Rodriguez be awarded Dean Zambra’s hand in marriage.
• NPHET has advised the Ireland men’s senior team to keep sending Wes Hoolahan crates of Guinness until he agrees to come out of international retirement.

• NPHET has advised spectators to take the train to Ballybofey for Finn Harps matches.
• NPHET has advised fans still need to social distance when in Dalymount Park and should spread out throughout each stand.
• NPHET has advised your uncle he doesn’t need to say “and sure their not bad looking either” every time somebody mentions women’s football.
• NPHET has advised that Martin O’Neil shouldn’t have taken off both holding midfielders for a winger and an attacking midfielder in the 1-5 defeat to Denmark in the World Cup Play-Off a while ago.
• NPHET has declared October should be recognized as an official holiday known as ‘Shane Long Scores Against The World Champions Day’.

• NPHET has advised John Delaney didn’t need as many ice sculptures at his birthday.
• NPHET has advised Ireland try play Bazunu and Kelleher at the same time and argue the game should be contested under Last Man Back rules.
• NPHET has advised Waterford to just calm down this season.
• NPHET has advised your aul lad that nobody needs to hear how he doesn’t watch the women’s team.
• NPHET has advised that Bray Wanderers and Cabinteely just pick a bleedin social media account to post transfer news on and stick with it.
• NPHET has advised Irish fans to maintain the fact that the Ireland men’s team would have won Euro92.
• NPHET has advised people respond with “ah sure look” if they are asked what they thought of the match when they didn’t even know there was a match.
• NPHET has advised Gavin Bazunu is free from criticism for 10 years following saving a Ronaldo penalty last year.
• NPHET has advised your man was right, you should support your local club and that’s a good point actually.
• NPHET has advised that all sports media outlets should have a logo made up in MS Paint.

Some sexy guidelines for Irish football by @PostToPostSport

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The Football Association of Ireland are set to investigate the Ireland WNT potentially breaching traditional protocol and actually playing well in a football match against Georgia, rather than playing like a shower of damp raisins.

In their World Cup qualifying group game on Tuesday November 30th Ireland beat Georgia by a score of 11 (Eleven) – 0 at Tallaght Stadium, with players failing to result to dreadful long ball tactics within the opening 10 minutes, as is tradition when Ireland’s men’s team have played Georgia in every 2nd qualifying campaign since time began.

A spokesperson has said:

In the past the men’s international side have set certain standards when playing against Georgia, namely acting like they’ve never kicked a ball when finding themselves in an attacking position. Furthermore it is questionable that the available players all played in the correct positions which they are suited to.

A further appeal has been made by the people of Ireland to run a DNA test on Katie McCabe and Denise O’Sullivan to ensure they are actually Irish, with their ability to play technically good football consistently at a high level casting doubt over whether there is actually any Irish blood in them at all.

Ireland finish the year 2nd in their qualifying group having played each team once. However your aul lad was not impressed.