The New Super Official NPHET Guidelines Relating to Irish Football

It’s been announced that the restrictions in place due to COVID-19 are to be lifted, but how will this impact on Irish football? Here’s the sexy version of the NPHET in relation to Irish football.

  • NPHET has advised that every football journalist in the country should write a think piece called ‘Saipan 20 years on, who was right’ this year.
  • NPHET has advised Ireland should aim to field a team of Gary Breens once a season.
  • NPHET has advised that lads who only watch the English Premier League and haven’t seen half the Ireland men’s squad play can take a day off from hot takes on Twitter.
  • NPHET has advised every Irish holding midfielder to go full Roy Keane on Marc Overmars within the first 3 minutes of a match to let one of the opponents star players ‘know they are there’.
  • NPHET has advised that Stephanie Roche be awarded the 2014 Puskas award and James Rodriguez be awarded Dean Zambra’s hand in marriage.
  • NPHET has advised the Ireland men’s senior team to keep sending Wes Hoolahan crates of Guinness until he agrees to come out of international retirement.
The Irish Messi enjoys a pint (Pic: Twitter)
  • NPHET has advised spectators to take the train to Ballybofey for Finn Harps matches.
  • NPHET has advised fans still need to social distance when in Dalymount Park and should spread out throughout each stand.
  • NPHET has advised your uncle he doesn’t need to say “and sure their not bad looking either” every time somebody mentions women’s football.
  • NPHET has advised that Martin O’Neil shouldn’t have taken off both holding midfielders for a winger and an attacking midfielder in the 1-5 defeat to Denmark in the World Cup Play-Off a while ago.
  • NPHET has declared October should be recognized as an official holiday known as ‘Shane Long Scores Against The World Champions Day’.
Ireland retrospectively won the 1
(Image: Morgan Treacy/INPHO)
  • NPHET has advised John Delaney didn’t need as many ice sculptures at his birthday.
  • NPHET has advised Ireland try play Bazunu and Kelleher at the same time and argue the game should be contested under Last Man Back rules.
  • NPHET has advised Waterford to just calm down this season.
  • NPHET has advised your aul lad that nobody needs to hear how he doesn’t watch the women’s team.
  • NPHET has advised that Bray Wanderers and Cabinteely just pick a bleedin social media account to post transfer news on and stick with it.
  • NPHET has advised Irish fans to maintain the fact that the Ireland men’s team would have won Euro92.
  • NPHET has advised people respond with “ah sure look” if they are asked what they thought of the match when they didn’t even know there was a match.
  • NPHET has advised Gavin Bazunu is free from criticism for 10 years following saving a Ronaldo penalty last year.
  • NPHET has advised your man was right, you should support your local club and that’s a good point actually.
  • NPHET has advised that all sports media outlets should have a logo made up in MS Paint.

Some sexy guidelines for Irish football by @PostToPostSport